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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27715541">So You Think You Can [Write Jokes]</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobtheacorn/pseuds/bobtheacorn'>bobtheacorn</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Animaniacs</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Breaking the Fourth Wall, Christmas Special, Drabble Collection, Family Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hijinks &amp; Shenanigans, Humor, John Mulaney voice: This might as well happen. Adult life is already so goddamn weird., Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mild Language, Panic Attacks, Probably Yakko-centric and I'm Not Sorry About It, Sibling Bonding, Slapstick, Slice of Life, driving without a license</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 15:53:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,902</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27715541</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobtheacorn/pseuds/bobtheacorn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s hard to strike a good balance between being the resident smart-alek / funny guy and also the Big Brother of a trio of feral “puppy children”, but if Yakko Warner has anything in spades it’s pure, unfiltered, 100% natural charisma. (Bonking his little bro over the head with a shovel to get him in the bathtub, however, is Plan B.)</p><p> </p><p>//Some brief and silly excursions into the Warner Sibling Dynamic.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dot Warner &amp; Wakko Warner &amp; Yakko Warner</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>138</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>633</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. a different tactic</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It’s hard to strike a good balance between being the resident smart-alek / funny guy and also the Big Brother of a trio of feral "puppy children", but if Yakko Warner has anything in spades it’s pure, unfiltered, 100% natural charisma. (Bonking his little bro over the head with a shovel to get him in the bathtub, however, is Plan B.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Personally, Yakko defaults to bribery.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It doesn’t require slapstick, but it's simple and effective.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"But that's not </span>
  <em>
    <span>fair!"</span>
  </em>
  <span> Wakko protests.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well… </span>
  <em>
    <span>Usually.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko throws the dangling sleeves of his blue hoodie out toward their sister, who is sitting at the counter and eating her dessert right in front of him. She's gloating. Rubbing it in. Making a complete nuisance of herself by digging out a deliberant, delicious scoop of neapolitan icecream and plopping it into her smiling mouth. She even goes the extra mile, humming with delight and cupping both hands around her plump cheeks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko whines out loud, melting to the floor at Yakko's feet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yakko scowls at her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do you mind?" he asks pointedly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No," Dot says with a shrug. Another scoop of icecream makes its way into her mouth with absolutely no shame.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Dot!"</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Yakko!"</span>
  </em>
  <span> the younger siblings chorus; Dot with mocking glee and Wakko with rising, pleading desperation as he clings to Yakko's pantlegs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Time for a different tactic.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yakko reaches down and picks Wakko up by the ankles, giving his little brother a firm but gentle shake that has Wakko's hoodie slipping down his scrawny torso and scrawnier arms, bunching around his neck. Wakko struggles, then, his protests muffled. Yakko steps on the trailing blue fabric and lifts - lifts - </span>
  <em>
    <span>liiiffiftss</span>
  </em>
  <span> - Wakko higher until the hoodie pops off over his head, taking his hat with it to the floor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He holds Wakko out at arms' length to minimize his chances of being bitten and says placatingly, "Bath first, dessert second, baby bro."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko grabs onto his pantleg again and points at Dot.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"But </span>
  <em>
    <span>Dot's</span>
  </em>
  <span> eating her dessert </span>
  <em>
    <span>first!"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, Dot's selfish - "</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That's a funny way of saying </span>
  <em>
    <span>adorable!"</span>
  </em>
  <span> Dot cuts in. Her spoon </span>
  <em>
    <span>clinks</span>
  </em>
  <span> against the bowl as she digs out another scoop of icecream.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And when I tell Dot that it's bathtime, she doesn't hide under the sofa," Yakko finishes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko groans, still clinging to both of Yakko's pantlegs as Yakko walks them over to the tub. It's already been prepared, but nothing about the gently steaming water and the mountain of foamy white bubbles is appealing to the middle Warner sibling. Bribery hasn't worked - </span>
  <em>
    <span>Thanks Dottie</span>
  </em>
  <span> - and Wakko starts struggling again when Yakko tries to pry his little hands away, so Yakko has to double down on another B Word.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bargaining.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Come on, Wakko, it's one paragraph - Tops!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"But I don't </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span> to!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Just think about the </span>
  <em>
    <span>icecream, </span>
  </em>
  <span>huh? The smooth vanilla! The rich chocolate! The subtle hint of sweet strawberry, all rolled together in one yummy bite!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That's not helping, Yakko!" Wakko pleads.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Look, I haven't had my dessert, either! We can eat together!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"My blood sugar is dropping!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Don't play that card - "</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What about </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span> card?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko holds up an Ace of Spades card. It's got a shovel on it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yakko stares at it, unimpressed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, very funny," he says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Listen, fellas, you better move this thing along," Dot calls, "The author is running out of good ideas for silly yet engaging banter."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, alright," Yakko says, as if this is a huge inconvenience. (This is harder than it looks, alright! Gimme a break!) He lifts Wakko a little higher and gives him a grin, "You better hold your breath, then, because you getting a bath is the entire plot point!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko barely gets out a </span>
  <em>
    <span>"But-!"</span>
  </em>
  <span> before Yakko dunks him in the steaming tub head-first. He comes up sputtering, spitting bubbles, but resigned to his fate. Yakko hands him a rubber ducky to chew on, then gets after him with the shampoo (the label has a picture of Wakko's face on it and reads "Misc") and the scrub brush. The mountain of bubbles rises around them, spilling over the edges of the tub, and then it all gets washed away by the bucket of warm water that Yakko dumps over Wakko's head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"See, that wasn't so bad!" Yakko says, even though he's also soaked ear tip-to-toe.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Speak for yourself…" Wakko grouses, arms crossed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I did! I'm not nearly as wet and soapy as I expected to be!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yakko lifts his little brother out of the tub, plops him down on a stool, and scrubs him dry inside a huge pink towel before he has the chance to shake off like a dog and spray water all over the tower. Wakko emerges from the scrubbing with his fur fluffed to twice his size, discernible only by his tongue poking out of his mouth. Across the room, Dot dissolved into laughter at the sight of him, banging her fist on the counter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ignoring her, Yakko carries Wakko, towel and all, back to the kitchen as sets him down in front of an untouched (and miraculously un-melted!) bowl of ice cream.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"There you go! As promised!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko opens his mouth and promptly puts his entire face into the bowl.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yakko watches him and sighs, turning to their sister.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, it's the routine that counts." He points his thumb at the tub. "You're turn, Dot."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'll go </span>
  <em>
    <span>without </span>
  </em>
  <span>making a scene," Dot says, hopping down from her own stool. She drops her empty bowl in the sink and heads to the tub. </span>
  <em>
    <span>"Some</span>
  </em>
  <span> of us have </span>
  <em>
    <span>dignity."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Only when it's convenient," Yakko says with a smirk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko licks his face - and the bowl - clean.</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I would fall on a sword for Yakko Warner and that’s all I’m gonna say lmao</p><p>Thank you guys for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. an out-of-place waver</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Occasionally, a good blustery storm will make the water tower rock like a ship at sea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dot is used to the subtle motion - after a long day mayhem and skits and general tomfoolery, it's nice to be able to relax and enjoy getting rocked to sleep. Tonight, the wrought iron support beams groan, their bolts straining to keep the old Warner Tower upright through the tempest; Wakko's hammock swings him back and forth, his snoring inaudible under the rhythmic creaking of the ropes. Things skitter and slide across the floor if they're not anchored down, and the wind howls and lows and moans as it passes through the lot, adding to the ambiance of Halloween night as it draws to a close.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Something out of place, however, causes Dot to wake.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She squints around in the gloom at first, unsure of what it was. The nerve of someone, interrupting her beauty sleep (not that she needs it).</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She leans out of the bunk to look at Wakko because nine times out of ten he's the one getting up in the middle of the night to eat, whether he's aware of it or not. But he's got one foot hanging out of his hammock, swinging idly. He's half-buried in candy wrappers that have been licked clean. He belches in his sleep, and Dot grimaces - that's not the sound that disturbed her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>On cue, the plastic balls in the ballpit below rustle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>One of the balls actually sails over the back of the couch and disappears, a couple more spilling out with less enthusiasm and rolling aimlessly across the floor. Yakko is turning over in his sleep, surprisingly restless. Even as Dot watches, his foot kicks out again and he makes a muffled, startled noise as he burrows in deeper, hiding his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That's what woke her up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Reaching out to the side of the bunk, Dot grabs ahold of one of the ropes to Wakko's hammock and yanks it hard enough to jostle him, hissing, </span>
  <em>
    <span>"Wakko!"</span>
  </em>
  <span> The middle brother sits upright, his hat pulled down like an eyemask.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What is it?" he asks drowsily.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His accent is heavier than usual.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There's a candy wrapper stuck to the side of his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yakko's having a nightmare," Dot whispers, jostling the hammock again. That makes Wakko a little more attentive; he drapes himself over the swaying edge of the hammock, pushing his hat up off of his eyes to peer at his brother. "He was quiet all evening. I think Nicklewise got to him."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Poor big brother," Wakko laments quietly, watching Yakko whimper and pull his leg back into the ball pit and curl up tighter. He looks at Dot. "We'll have to make sure we laugh extra hard at all his Dad Jokes tomorrow."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And maybe lay off the pun-gun for a while," Dot agrees, "Get over here."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko climbs over into Dot's bed, shedding candy wrappers along the way. The two youngest siblings dangle themselves over the edge in plain sight. Wakko yawns and rubs his eyes and while Dot lightly clears her throat. She leans a little further out of the bunk and drops her voice into something plaintive and groggy, "Yakko…. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Yakko.</span>
  </em>
  <span>"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It takes a few more tries.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neither of them want to spook him, so they call his name softly - Yakko startles upright, regardless, scattering plastic balls around the pit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What?" he yelps, then gets his bearings. He spots Wakko and Dot looking down at him from the top bunk and passes a hand over his face, touches his throat. He takes in the dark room around them and the swaying tower and the sound of the wind howling past outside with a silence that Dot finds more alarming than his fitful sleep was. There's an out-of-place waver in his voice when he asks, "What's wrong, little sibs?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We can't sleep," Wakko whines, his head buried in his arms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Will you snuggle us?" Dot asks, giving Yakko her best puppy eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh…! Yeah yeah, sure!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It says a lot about how anxious Yakko's dream has made him that it takes him so long to get his head wrapped around what they're saying. To shake off the dregs of those clinging fears, however they manifested in the dreamscape. But he does shake it off, physically, his ears smacking around his head as he slowly gets to his feet and reaches up, climbing into the bunk with Wakko and Dot.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What else are big brothers for?" he asks playfully.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Getting things down from the top shelf," Wakko says, flopping back onto the pillows with his hat pulled down over his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Unclogging the drain in the bathroom sink," Dot suggests, shoving Wakko off her pillows with unnecessary force.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Breaking up fights before they start," Yakko adds over the sudden growling, separating the two prickly little Warners by laying down in the middle of them. He scoops them both in against his sides. "We're snuggling, not squabbling!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We can do both!" Dot insists.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Nu-uh, nope!" Yakko pushes her back down into the mattress when she starts to climb over him after Wakko takes a swipe at her. He reaches down to pull the blanket up and tucks them both in tight. "Now do you guys want a story or a song?"</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"A story!"</span>
  </em>
  <span> Dot says, and Wakko says, </span>
  <em>
    <span>"A song!"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"I can do both!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So he does!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The easiest way to get his siblings to settle down is to distract them - and Yakko is the Master of Distraction! (And he's not so bad at story-telling, either!)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He talks and gestures and sings. He tickles and pokes and pinches. He nuzzles their giggling faces and keeps the story light enough that, before long, Wakko and Dot are both sound asleep, breathing in tandem; Wakko with his head resting on Yakko's stomach and Dot with her head shoved into his armpit, her arm thrown across his chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yakko drops into a murmur and finishes the story, just in case they wake.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He ruffles Wakko's fur and pets Dot's head until his hands are still and his voice drifts off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sleeps much more calmly than he did alone.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>After Yakko has been still and quiet for a few minutes, his breathing evening out, Wakko lifts a hand to peek out from under his hat and Dot picks her head up. They give their big brother affectionate pats. They share a wink. And they settle down to sleep.</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Oh man, thank you guys SO MUCH for the enthusiastic response?? I haven't written anything short and silly (or platonic, come to think of it) in a while and this is my niche, and it's so much fun! So I'm glad others are enjoying it, as well! Don't get used to this updating-two-days-in-a-row business, though - My track record speaks for itself! lmao</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The Hair Brushing Technique for Big Brothers</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Mornings are not </span>
  <em>
    <span>always</span>
  </em>
  <span> hectic things.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The Warner siblings make their own schedule more or less - if they show up late for a shoot or a meeting or something, what are the directors and CEOs gonna do? Fire them? Lock them in a water tower for 60-ish years? Okay, so maybe those are not the best examples. It’s early, alright?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yakko does his best to get the day started smoothly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His alarm goes off at 7 a.m. and he wakes his siblings. Wakko gets breakfast. Dot gets an hour in the bathroom doing girl things. Yakko's new habit is to stare blearily at a tablet and decipher what all happened in the few hours he was sleeping - and if he has to find out about a Real World Event vicariously through a series of Supernatural shitposts </span>
  <em>
    <span>one more time</span>
  </em>
  <span> he's driving to Vancouver, British Columbia himself (and he can't even drive).</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This morning, Dot is taking her sweet time, and Yakko isn't really paying attention.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His back hurts. So he's reading an article on the benefits of sleeping on an actual mattress (as opposed to the ballpit; fun and zany in theory, crippling in execution), and he doesn't notice when Wakko finishes wolfing down his three course breakfast and wanders away. He does notice when Wakko jogs back, only because the little guy is humming anxiously under his breath, tongue poking out of his mouth, and because Wakko ducks beneath the kitchen table to get between Yakko's feet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yakko sets the tablet aside and looks down at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko is laying under the chair on his belly, with his hands clutching his red hat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Uuuuh, something I can help you with, brother sib?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yakko barely gets the question out before a bellow of frustration shakes the whole tower. It rattles picture frames and furniture. Yakko's teeth clack together, his tablet rattling and sliding right off the edge of the table and out of sight. Yakko grabs onto the table, himself, to keep from sharing the same fate as the bellow fades out and everything stills.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"She's got a set of lungs, huh?" he asks Wakko, leaning out of the seat to look at him, "What did you do, Wak?"</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"I</span>
  </em>
  <span> didn't do anything!" Wakko insists, lifting his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Uh-huh. She only broke the sound barrier like that after you came slinking back in here with your tail between your legs. I can add, Wak."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Honest! I just knocked on the door - I have to </span>
  <em>
    <span>go</span>
  </em>
  <span> and she's taking </span>
  <em>
    <span>forever."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"You'd think we'd be able to afford a place with two bathrooms," Yakko mutters, hopping up from the seat, "Come on, I'll see what the problem is. You can't keep peeing over the rail - we're starting to get complaints from the neighbors."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"But we don't <em>have</em> neighbors..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yakko leads the way to the bathroom, where the door is firmly closed and steam sneaks out at the top, perfumed with a mix of sugar and soap. Beyond, he can hear Dot swearing (not very PG) and banging around at her vanity, more growls of frustration. Wakko stands behind him, fidgeting from foot to foot, while Yakko knocks on the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Everything alright in there?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Go away!" Dot snaps, "Don't look at me!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Bad hair day?" Yakko guesses.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There's a feral little growl in answer. Yup. Right on the money.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We promise not to look," Yakko says, "But you gotta come out and let Wakko have the bathroom. I'm not gonna start laying down newspapers again."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That growl peters out until it is barely audible, then: "Fine!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yakko and Wakko both cover their eyes, as promised, as Dot kicks open the bathroom door. It slams back against the wall, letting out a billow of warm, heavily-scented air. Wakko knocks headfirst into the doorframe - thrice - in his haste to get inside, and he blindly shuts the door behind himself. This leaves Yakko standing with his hands over his face and Dot beside him, sulking so badly that it's almost as oppressive as the steam.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lifting the heel of his hand, Yakko peeks out at her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She has a hairbrush in one hand, her flower hair-tie around her wrist; arms folded, foot tapping, face scrunched into a scowl. Her fur is damp from her shower, and ruffled up in places despite her attempts to tame it. He doesn't think it looks unfixable. But one out-of-place strand is enough to warrant a melt-down from his little sister. Being Cute may not exclusively be her Thing now, but she still puts a lot of stock in her appearance.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Want me to brush it for you?" he asks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dot whips that scowl around to him, but Yakko already has his eyes covered again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do I want </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> to brush </span>
  <em>
    <span>my</span>
  </em>
  <span> hair?" she scoffs, "Have you ever held a hairbrush in your life?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Once or twice," he says. He slips one hand over both eyes and reaches down to poke her in the side, right where she's most ticklish; hears an involuntary giggle before Dot darts out of his reach and smacks his hand. "I think I can figure out the basic mechanics. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> contain the sum of all human knowledge now, you know. The </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hair Brushing Technique for Big Brothers</span>
  </em>
  <span> has got to be in there somewhere."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dot heaves a sigh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Fine." She hits him lightly with the back of the hairbrush, trying to hand it to him while he fumbles blindly to grab it. "You can look… I guess."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It takes every single ounce of self-control Yakko has (and it is in LIMITED supply) to not put on the most Shocked and Revolted act of his life when he beholds his sister's disheveled state - really, he starts to recoil, starts to open his mouth to shout as if in pain and </span>
  <em>
    <span>everything</span>
  </em>
  <span> - it is </span>
  <em>
    <span>right there </span>
  </em>
  <span>on the tip of his tongue. But he knows if he acts stupid, it will just make Dot angry and hurt her feelings. So he swallows it down and lets out a soft chuckle, instead, reaching down to ruffle her already ruffled hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ah, it doesn't look so bad!" he says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yakko, stoooop," she whines, smacking his hands away again, "And it </span>
  <em>
    <span>does</span>
  </em>
  <span> look bad!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, let's see if we can fix it, sis."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shepherds her toward the couch and sits on the rug in front of it, with Dot sitting between his legs, facing the television. Hair brushing is not a particularly complicated process. Yakko still gets his technique corrected almost immediately.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Don't brush it </span>
  <em>
    <span>up,</span>
  </em>
  <span> brush it </span>
  <em>
    <span>down!"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh oh, </span>
  <em>
    <span>with</span>
  </em>
  <span> the grain - I see!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're being stupid on purpose!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I promise I'm not!" he laughs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dot can't </span>
  <em>
    <span>see</span>
  </em>
  <span> what he's doing, but she can feel it. When she stops yelling at him after every stroke, he figures he must be doing something right and carries on. Slowly but surely, he works out all of those little tangles and mats, lays down all the places that are sticking up the wrong way, until Dot's fur is gleaming and smooth. He gives her ears the same careful attention. When he's done, he ties them together, secure but loose, with her signature flower and playfully tugs at the tips of her ears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Now, go see if that's better," he says, lifting Dot to her feet, "And remember, No Refunds!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"As if!" Dot says, rushing back to the mirror.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko wanders over, munching directly out of the cereal box. "Are you gonna brush my hair too?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do you have an appointment?" Yakko asks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No, but you don’t seem very busy."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Fair enough! Park it, brother."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko dives into the open space between Yakko’s legs while Yakko holds the hairbrush aloft. Before he can even whip off Wakko’s hat, however, Dot hollers, "WAIIIT!" And comes running back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She snatches the hairbrush out of Yakko’s hand and replaces it with a different hairbrush. This one has obviously experienced a certain level of neglect. Where Dot’s hairbrush is clean and shiny and pink with yellow flowers and doesn’t have so much as a soft brittle out of place, the other one has knicks in the plain wooden handle and ragged-looking bristles with lint (among other things) stuck between them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yakko grimaces at it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dot smiles at him, "That’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>your</span>
  </em>
  <span> hairbrush. I have a strict No Sharing Policy." and skips back to the bathroom.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After he spends fifteen minutes brushing crumbs out of his little brother’s fur - and an additional five minutes on a matted place that might have been mustard or jelly or… </span>
  <em>
    <span>something </span>
  </em>
  <span>of a viscous and sticky nature - Yakko absolutely understands Dot’s No Sharing Policy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And uuuuh, maybe we should bump bath nights up to twice a week, Wakko."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Aww…."</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Real Talk, kids, I have been writing fanfiction for a Long Ass Time and I don't think I've ever had a fic gain as much traction as these two little drabbles have in such a short amount of time! I'm glad you guys are feelin' it!! lmao  Thank you so much for reading and commenting; I may be too anxious to respond, but I read (and yell about) every single one of them and get an insta-shot of serotonin every single time!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. calm-down corner</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The two Warner Siblings that are most prone to fighting are Wakko and Dot.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sure, Dot and Yakko </span>
  <em>
    <span>bicker</span>
  </em>
  <span> pretty often. They're both mouthy and opinionated!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Wakko and Dot </span>
  <em>
    <span>fight.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe because they were drawn to be so close in age, maybe because they're very different little toons and their personalities just clash every once in a while. But they'll be at each others’ throats one minute and laughing together the next - it's rare that Yakko has to intervene. Rarer still that he has to go back and forth between them with his, "What's wrong, siblings?" schtick, trying to figure out where the disagreement started.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seriously, he steps out for five minutes and everything goes off the rails.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What's worse is he doesn't even get a clear answer out of them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko ate something of Dot's. Dot threw out something of Wakko's. Wakko was ignoring her. Dot was talking over him. Wakko leaves his stuff lying around. Dot keeps moving his things. It's all past microaggressions and miscommunications that have been bubbling beneath the surface, that are exploding out left and right. Literally exploding. It's not just the arguing. It's the complete devolution into all-out toony warfare  - mallets and anvils and frying pans and pies flying across the tower, cannons going off - the works.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dot probably started it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That's not unusual.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko is a mellow little guy, and he doesn't get fussed about much.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dot is much more stubborn and aggressive. She takes things personally. She lashes out without hesitation - and without thinking things through - and then she digs her heels in and won't apologize even if she's in the wrong.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She does this the moment Yakko finally gets them to cease fire and parley.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Wakko, unexpectedly, bursts into tears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yakko and Dot both look at him, then at each other, in alarm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What are you crying for?" Dot asks incredulously, as if offended by the waterworks, as if she doesn't crank them on herself whenever it suits her to get out of trouble.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But these are not someone-ate-my-donuts theatrics - these are genuine, heaving sobs and huge tears pouring down Wakko's face and into his sleeve as he rubs his eyes. He's so upset that he doesn't even answer Dot. He just keeps wailing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What's the matter, Wak?" Yakko asks, recovering from his shock.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It takes Wakko a minute to even get anything out and then it is just riddled with gasps and stutters and breaks for sobbing, </span>
  <em>
    <span>"Y-you </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>always</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> - take her - side -"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey wait a minute, I'm not - "</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>" - j-just because she's the - y-youngest! She g-gets to - be mean and I - "</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Dot winces, looking between her brothers.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>" - have to - apologize - when I d-didn't - </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>do</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> anything -"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Uh-oh," Yakko says. It dawns on him way too late what the problem is. He moves to scoop Wakko up under the arms, keeps his voice low, "Alright, come on, Wak. Let's go have a snack and sit somewhere quiet for a while, huh?"</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"I'm n-not - huh-</span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>hungry</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> -"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"That's okay! Let's go have some Brother Time!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko protests again, but he lets his brother pick him up. He continues crying into Yakko's shoulder as Yakko carries him away from ground zero, where there is still a good deal of destruction and random objects scattered all over the place, and straight to the Calm-Down Corner. It's really just a refrigerator box laying longways with a bunch of pillows packed inside, draped with blankets and strings of christmas lights, with books and snacks and fidget toys hidden among the pillows.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yakko ducks a little to carry Wakko in and settles on the cushy floor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite what he might have said, Wakko takes the stick of jerky Yakko hands him. It's more chewy than anything else. Something to bite into without having to commit. Wakko sits curled up in Yakko's lap with his head against his big brother's shoulder, gnawing on it while he cries it out and catches his breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yakko is content to sit there and hug him for as long as it takes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The only part that's hard is being quiet for so long.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Melt-downs don’t happen very often. Dot was probably just pushing his buttons same as any other day and didn't notice he was feeling overwhelmed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eventually, Wakko quiets and Yakko asks, "Want to talk?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No…" Wakko mumbles.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're not in trouble, Wak, I just wanna know what happened!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko shrugs and snuffles and mumbles again. He pulls the trailing end of Yakko's belt free of the belt loops and starts gnawing on the leather.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey! Is nothing sacred?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko hums - it turns into a soft growl as Yakko wrestles him backward and pulls the tail of his belt out of Wakko's mouth. It's soggy and it's got teeth marks in it. Perfect.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko ducks his head and rubs his eyes with his sleeve, huffing like he's going to start crying again as he pulls his hat down over his face. There are tear tracks in his dark fur, around his snout, and Yakko's fur is definitely wet from all the crying, too. Still, he cups his little brother's face between his hands and rubs their noses together, "Doncha go getting all sad on me again!" until Wakko puffs out a laugh, instead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That's better," Yakko says. He ruffles Wakko playfully. "Yeah?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah," Wakko chuckles, smiling a little. He rubs his nose. "Sorry…"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ah, don't be sorry! It happens to the best of us. That's what the box is for! If everything is too much and you can't articulate it, you can just come in here to get away and Dot won't bother you, Wakko. You can sit in here and snack, or you can come and get me. I don't mind! And you don't have to talk if you don't want to, alright? I talk more than enough for both of us."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Okay…"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>From outside the box, Dot says quietly, "It was my fault, Yakko. ….I'm sorry, Wakko. Can I come inside? I want a hug."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sure…"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dot plows through the opening and throws her arms around Wakko's neck, squeezing him tightly as he topples over.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, take it easy!" Yakko says, "I'm still here ya know!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh be quiet!" Dot tells him, still hugging the life out of Wakko, "I'm sorry I was being mean to you. I didn't think about it like that! You were just bugging me so I decided to bug you back. And I'm offended that you think he takes sides! Do you know how often I get scolded by this guy?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Is that what it feels like, Wak?" Yakko asks, "Because if it does, I'm sorry, too. We all know Dot's the confrontational one."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What's that supposed to mean?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"See?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko is giggling, though, enjoying the embrace.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sorry," he says again.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"We're sorry!"</span>
  </em>
  <span>  Yakko and Dot chorus.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's okay."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Are we all good now?" Yakko asks, "Done fighting? Got all the crying out of our systems?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I think so."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Good," Yakko says, grinning, "Because you guys have a </span>
  <em>
    <span>huge</span>
  </em>
  <span> mess to clean up!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The outbursts following this are expected, but Yakko doesn't budge.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That's the rule: If it's in the Tower, if you make the mess, you clean it up. And he is not going to spend an hour getting rid of a hundred anvils and skillets and cleaning pie off the walls when he didn't throw any of it.</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Dot is the youngest but Wakko is BABY</p><p>(i updated the tags to include mild hurt/comfort and angst but don't get stressed! these are still gonna be as dumb and soft as i can make them (.....for the most part!))</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Yuletide transportation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Linear time as a concept has all but dissolved, so it doesn't really surprise Yakko that December sort of sneaks up on them out of nowhere.</p><p>Honestly, it still feels like March.</p><p>But he corrals his siblings, nonetheless, bundles them up for the mildly chilly east coast afternoon, and leads the way to the garage behind the office buildings where he knows for a fact that the maintenance crew leaves their van with the keys in the ignition. The garage door is shut and locked, but someone left a window half open.</p><p>Yakko boosts Wakko up first, then Dot.</p><p>He leaps up and catches ahold of the sill and squeezes himself through the space that his much smaller siblings had no trouble with, and drops to the floor on the other side. Dot is already at the van and Wakko is at the door, whacking the lock on the floor with a huge mallet. There is a reverberating <em> bang </em> as the door wobbles from the impact <em> . </em></p><p>But the lock is still intact and firmly in place.</p><p>"Try the keys, Wakko," Yakko says, jogging to the van, "On that hook over there."</p><p>"Aw, but that's no fun," Wakko says, frowning and rubbing his chin as he surveys at the lock.</p><p>"Look, we wanna get away without making a scene, you can blow somethin' up later."</p><p>"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Dot asks skeptically, settling into the back on the bench seat of the van as Yakko climbs into the front.</p><p>"What, you don't trust me?" he asks, feigning distress.</p><p>Sure enough, the keys are in the ignition, a blue lanyard with the Warner Bros. logo dangling from the keyring. Yakko twists the keys and the van rumbles to life, choking briefly, a black plume shooting out of the exhaust. The whole vehicle continues to quake slightly as it idles. Yakko busies himself with adjusting the side and rearview mirrors.</p><p>"I just think it might be safer to take the bus," Dot says, buckling her belt even though they're not moving yet, "This van doesn't seem like it's going to make it, Yakko."</p><p>"Nah, it'll be fine. Besides, how are we gonna get the tree home on the bus?"</p><p>Wakko finally gets the lock open and heaves the door upward, letting in the pale sunlight and a gust of snow flurries. He runs back to the van and climbs inside, sliding the door closed behind himself and spotting Dot on the bench seat.</p><p>"Oooh, do I get shotgun?"</p><p>"No, you need to sit in the back with Dot," Yakko says, "And, uuuuuhhh, put your seatbelt on. And pull up the nearest tree farm on the GPS."</p><p>"Can you even see where you're going?" Dot demands as Wakko belches up the phone.</p><p>
  <span>"Look, if I can drive a spaceship, then I can drive this old clunker!"</span>
</p><p>So what if he only has his butt on the edge of the seat and he can barely reach the pedals and the gear shift at the same time? At least it's not a stick. Whatever that is. Yakko presses down the brake and leans to shift the van into drive.</p><p>It lurches forward a few inches, but the brake catches.</p><p>He glances back at Wakko and Dot to make sure they're buckled up and pulls an intercom out of nowhere, “Alright, ladies and gentlethems! Thank you for choosing Warner Warner and Warner for your Yuletide transportation needs! Please remain seated and buckled into your safety harness for the duration of the trip, and keep all hands and feet inside the vehicle unless you want to lose them. You can take home any pocket change you find, but don’t eat the gum off the bottom of the - <em> Wakko!” </em></p><p>“What?” he asks in his <em> I’ve been caught doing something I know I shouldn’t </em>voice.</p><p>“You didn’t even let me finish the bit! Get that gum outta your mouth!”</p><p>Scowling, Wakko spits out the wad of gum (which has essentially aged into plastic at this point and has a piece of the vinyl seat stuck to it) into his hand while Dot watches him in disgust.</p><p>Yakko clears his throat, <em> “As I was saying: </em> Don’t eat the gum off the bottom of the seats <em> unless </em> there’s enough to share with everyone.”</p><p>“I don’t want any!” Dot says immediately, turning her nose away when Wakko starts to offer her the gum.</p><p>Yakko holds up his hand to decline, too. “No thanks, I’m driving!”</p><p>“More for me,” Wakko says, tossing the gum back into his mouth. He chews it like it’s a piece of leather, but seems content to do so.</p><p>“Alright, sibs,” Yakko declares, “Ready?”</p><p>Wakko and Dot share a glance.</p><p>Then Wakko nods excitedly and Dot thrusts her fists into the air, "GUN IT, BROTHER!"</p><p>Yakko lets off the break and hits the gas.</p><p>The van peels out of the garage and Yakko spins the wheel with both hands. He clips the side of the garage door on his way out, but corrects his course quickly enough to miss most of the outdoor movie set further down the lot. He sends a director's chair (an empty one!) thudding over the roof, hits a crate of props, and scares the life out of an intern carrying coffees that are most certainly not going to make it to the people that placed the orders.</p><p>He considers stopping at the boom barrier.</p><p>And then he accidentally-on-purpose plows straight through it, and maybe gives poor Ralph a heart attack in the booth.</p><p>Wakko and Dot whoop and cheer.</p><p>The GPS belts out directions.</p><p>It's an exciting twenty minutes, for sure.</p><p>Okay, so he <em> does </em> run a couple of red lights and gets a wheel up on the sidewalk, <em> once, </em> but he does <em> not </em> hit the fire hydrant or any of the pedestrians, and he manages to park <em> inside </em> the lines once they make it to the tree farm. Sure, he's a fraction of an inch away from the polished side of a blue Honda Civic. But he didn't scrape it all to hell and back!</p><p>Wakko throws open the side door and the three of them clamber out.</p><p>Those snow flurries are coming down stronger now that the sun is sinking and the temperature is going with it. The snow sticks in Yakko's fur and in the plush fabric of Wakko's hood and Dot's scarf as the siblings follow a string of lights into the lot, where there are hundreds of pre-cut, lush pine trees waiting to be taken home by any of the dozens of families wandering in and out among the trees. Children shriek and run past, their parents following in their wake. There's a group of teens goodnaturedly judging the trees on display.</p><p>Mariah Carey's <em> All I Want for Christmas is You </em> croons from the outdoor speakers for the hundredth time that day, if the exhausted expressions from the few employees wearing red vests are anything to judge by.</p><p>"Alright, siblings," Yakko says, putting his hands on his knees to get down at their level, "Fan out, and just give a holler when you find one ya like."</p><p>Wakko and Dot chorus, <em> "Okay!" </em> and the three of them scatter among the rows.</p><p>It doesn't take them long to each find one they like, and then to argue down to one. Wakko's pick - a plump, decently sized pine that he says <em> tastes right </em> - gets tied to the roof of the van by a perplexed but accommodating employee who asks where their parents are, but doesn't press the question after Yakko hands him a debit card.</p><p>By the time Yakko slides behind the wheel and gets the van started up, a thin layer of snow has covered the windshield. He has to take a minute to figure out how to cut the wipers on as well as the heat. It's not <em> that </em> cold, but Dot and Wakko are puffing into their cupped hands and rubbing their toes, so Yakko cranks it up. He twists around in the seat for a while, looking out the windows, trying to figure out if there's a delicate way to do this.</p><p>Ultimately, Yakko just throws the van into reverse, says, "I hope these guys on our left have updated their insurance policy." and eases onto the gas.</p><p>Sure enough, an ungodly screech echoes the backward movement of the van, making all of the Warners grit their teeth. Wakko grabs his ears and pulls them down to his chin, burying his face into the collar of his hoodie. There's enough resistance that Yakko feels justified in pressing down on the gas a little harder - and the van suddenly springs backwards once the drag lets up. He has to slam the brakes, and still the van slides a foot or so before lurching to a stop.</p><p>Wakko and Dot yelp as their seatbelts lock and they bonk their heads together.</p><p>Yakko whips around to look at them. "Sorry, sibs!"</p><p>"Hey, take it easy, would ya?” Dot says, rubbing the side of her head, “You’ve got precious cargo back here! Not to mention the tree!”</p><p>"Sorry sorry," Yakko says, fidgeting with the gear shift. He accidentally puts it in neutral and has to shift back up into drive. "Shit! I mean sorry! Hang on."</p><p>“Hey!” Wakko says indignantly.</p><p>Dot goes, “OooOOOOo somebody’s in <em> trouble!” </em></p><p>“How come you can say it and I can’t?” Wakko demands.</p><p>“It slipped out!” Yakko says, looking at them over the back of the seat, “Besides, I’m <em> technically </em> a teenager so I’m <em> allowed </em> a swear word every once in a while for comedy’s sake.”</p><p>“Oh please!” Dot says, “If you get one then we should all get one!”</p><p>“Yeah, if you can say that then I can say -”</p><p>“AAAAHHhhh ALRIGHT! But only once! Are you sure you wanna waste it now?”</p><p>Wakko thinks about it real hard for a minute, then folds his arms, “I’ll save it.”</p><p>“Me too,” Dot says, smiling.</p><p>“That’s what I thought. Okay! Take two!”</p><p>The van lurches a little going forward, chugging and coughing along the way as Yakko pumps the gas and hugs the wheel. It’s dark now, and with the persistent flurries it’s more difficult to see. The parking lot is easy enough to navigate because it is well lit and all the people coming and going haven't allowed the snow to really settle too much on the pavement - it’s the main road he has to worry about.</p><p>“What’s with this snow, anyway?” Dot demands, watching out the window, “One day its a normal 70 degrees out here and the next it’s sweltering and the <em> next </em> it’s doing all this!”</p><p>Yakko opens his mouth, but Dot cuts him off, “I don’t want a song about climate change!”</p><p>Yakko frowns at her in the rear view mirror.</p><p>By the time the van putters back onto the Warner movie lot - missing a side mirror and some paint - there's a crowd at the booth where the boom barrier is being replaced. Yakko slows to a stop and cranks down the manual window.</p><p>"What happened!?" he asks, grinning when Ralph scowls at him.</p><p>"Hey,” Ralph demands slowly, “Where’d you get that tree?"</p><p>"You really are dumber than advertised, huh, Ralphy?"</p><p>Wakko and Dot climb into the front seat with him to heckle Ralph, but it just draws attention to the fact that they're three relatively small children (puppy, cat…. things) and that Yakko is very much not old enough to be sitting behind the wheel of a vehicle. Also that they stole a vehicle.</p><p>Ralph, predictably, swings his net at the van.</p><p>Yakko slams the gas again.</p><p>People scatter out of the way as they bust through the inbound barrier. All three of the Warner’s clutch at each other in the front seat and scream in fear and excitement as the van flies forward and continues careening (and spinning!) toward the base of the water tower even after Yakko hits the brakes. The van stops abruptly when it slams longways into the legs of the tower, shedding pine needles and snow in an explosion of green and white.</p><p>Smoke bellows from beneath the bent hood.</p><p>The van coughs and shakes and rattles.</p><p>Wakko and Dot climb out the open window and onto the roof of the van to get the tree loose while Yakko unbuckles his seatbelt and cuts the engine. Together, they launch the tree up to the balcony and then scale the tower themselves.</p><p>Below, a crowd is gathering around the still-smoking van. Yakko, Wakko, and Dot lean over the railing and between the spokes to watch. Yakko points at them and says, “Carolers!”</p><p>Dot cups her hands around her mouth, “Hey, sing <em> Silent Night!” </em></p><p><em> “I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas!” </em> Wakko calls.</p><p><em> “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus!” </em> Yakko bellows, leaning over the rail. He blows a kiss at the audience and says, “Goodnight everybody!”</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Might try and do a few ~Christmas~ themed ones before the month let’s out but we’ll see! Thank you guys so much for leaving such nice comments and for showing so much enthusiasm for these little fics!</p><p>Always makes my day 💜</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. hitting his voice hard</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yakko doesn't talk much on the way home Halloween night.</p><p>Which - it goes without saying - is extremely Out of Character for him.</p><p>He pipes up readily enough whenever Dot or Wakko say something, but he lets the silence overtake them all the same, and makes no effort to fill it as the trio ducks beneath the boom barrier and into the lot. He's still holding their hands. Hasn't let go for a while, actually, and has let Dot carry his Trick-or-Treating bucket. Wakko <em> notices. </em> But he's a quiet guy, himself, and if Yakko <em> wants </em> to talk nothing's going to stop him.</p><p>Oh, hang on...</p><p>Wakko's not the sharpest crayon in the box, but he pieces that together pretty quick.</p><p>He looks at Dot. She's watching Yakko openly with a frown on her face, and she must've been doing that for a while because the second Wakko pulls the sucker out of his mouth to talk, Yakko asks, "Something on your mind, Dot?"</p><p>"No."</p><p>"Alrighty."</p><p>Something about the exchange - Dot's belligerent tone and Yakko's cheerful one - makes Wakko uneasy; he puts the sucker back in his mouth, biting down on it until it breaks apart and then crunching the raspberry-flavored pieces. The water tower looms in the distance, still a couple of buildings away. The moon is high overhead, it's light obscured by thin clouds. Stray leafs skitter across the pavement in front of them, twirling together and disappearing down an alley between two of the studios.</p><p>Yakko asks, "Seriously, is there something on my face or what?"</p><p>It's playful, with an edge of impatience.</p><p>He's still wearing the comedy specs, complete with mustache and eyebrows. Dot is still looking up at him like she's trying to develop pyrokinesis, totally silent. Wakko pushes the paper stick of the sucker into his mouth and chews it anxiously.</p><p>"What's the matter, Dot?" Yakko prompts, "Cat got your tongue?"</p><p>Dot doesn't answer.</p><p>Wakko wishes she would...</p><p>Yakko stops walking, pulls them both up short; says sharply, <em> "Dot." </em></p><p>"What's the matter with you?" Dot bursts out.</p><p><em> "What's the matter? </em> You didn't answer me!"</p><p>"What are you being so quiet for?"</p><p>"I'm not being quiet, I just asked you a question two seconds ago!"</p><p>"I mean <em> before that. </em> You've hardly said anything the whole time we've been Trick-or-Treating, and you've hardly let go of us since we got out of the sewer! I'm not complaining, but my hand is starting to sweat through my glove."</p><p>Wakko puts the fingers of his free hand between his teeth and bites down.</p><p>Yakko doesn't say anything, and Dot drives onward like a stake through a vampire's chest, "Is this about Nicklewise?"</p><p>"Uuuuuuuh, <em> who?" </em></p><p>"Don't <em> WHO </em> like an owl, you know what I'm talking about, Yakko!"</p><p>"Uuuh, look, Dot, let's just get home - "</p><p>"That wasn't a bit at all, was it? You were really scared!"</p><p>"Dot, I - "</p><p>"Why didn't you say something!? You just asked if we thought you were funny!"</p><p>"I - "</p><p>"That Nicklewise guy was really sucking your soul out of your body and you were worried about being <em> funny!" </em></p><p>
  <em> "I don't wanna talk about it, Dot!" </em>
</p><p><em> Decades </em> on top of <em> decades, </em> and Yakko has never once shouted at either of his siblings, never once raised his voice at them outside of playful bickering and the occasional sibling rivalry. Now, the empty movie lot echoes his harsh words back at them, and any anger in his tone - or in the contortion of his face - gets whipped away like so many leafs when he hears it slamming back into him like a physical blow.</p><p>He looks devastated.</p><p>Dot looks like she’s about to cry. She wrenches her hand out of Yakko's even though he tries to hold onto it and she folds her arms, turning away from them.</p><p>"I… I-I-I’m sorry, Dot…."</p><p>Yakko takes his specs off, trying to stuff them in the pocket of his blazer. He fumbles because his hand is shaking, the frames of the glasses rattling open and catching on the fabric.</p><p>Has he been shaking this whole time?</p><p>"Don't ignore me, Dot… I didn't mean to yell at you like that…"</p><p>Yakko steps to the side to get into her line of sight, but Dot turns her back again. She sniffles, and hiccups, but Wakko can see as he stumbles along behind Yakko as the two of them go around and around that she looks angry even though she's crying. The more she refuses to acknowledge Yakko's apologies, the more agitated he becomes. Wakko doesn't know if she's doing it on purpose anymore or if her feelings are just hurt.</p><p>Either way, he digs his heels in and tugs on Yakko's hand to make him stop.</p><p>Yakko turns to him immediately, squeezing his hand, as if terrified that Wakko will let go.</p><p>"What?" Yakko asks, strained.</p><p>"You don't have to do the cartoon if you don't want to, Yakko," Wakko says.</p><p>Yakko stares at him for so long, Wakko wonders if he said it out loud or if he just thought it (it happens sometimes) and he opens his mouth to repeat it. But then Yakko says, "What?" again, very softly, and Wakko realizes he just doesn't understand.</p><p>"Well, you always just let Dot and me go home if we don't feel like doing a cartoon," Wakko says, looking at Dot. She's peeking over her shoulder at them, listening. "If we don't feel good… or if something makes us uncomfortable. You can do that, too."</p><p>"We… we have contracts," Yakko says quietly.</p><p>"So what?" Wakko asks, frowning now, "You don't have to do it if you're not having fun! You wouldn't make me and Dot do it. What's the point in making yourself do it? If you got really scared, you could have told us, Yakko. We would have just quit and come home."</p><p>"You guys weren't <em> there," </em> Yakko whispers, the panic hitting his voice hard. His grip around Wakko's hand tightens. It's like a damn bursting. "It was - it was <em> dark </em> and it was <em> quiet </em> and nobody was <em> there, </em> I - I was by myself and I got - I got so tongue-tied, I - "</p><p>Yakko breaks off, squeezing his eyes closed, his breath heaving in.</p><p>Dot reaches up to grab his hand again.</p><p>"Hey," she says softly, "We're here now! It's okay, it's <em> over." </em></p><p>"I know," Yakko gasps. He's shaking again, harder than ever. His legs give out on him, and Yakko sinks to the pavement, forehead pressed against his knees, still squeezing both their hands for all that he's worth. "I know…. <em> I know, I know." </em></p><p>"It's okay, Yakko, just get it out if you need to."</p><p>"We're not goin' anywhere, you're not by yourself."</p><p>It takes Yakko a while to calm down.</p><p>Wakko sits beside him, leaning against him, and Dot pets his head, laying his ears back, scratching her fingers through his fur. They share and anxious glance every now and then, glance around the lot to make sure they're alone; they murmur reassurances to their big brother and they don't let go of his hands until he pulls away, himself.</p><p>Yakko rubs his face, blows his nose on his own tie.</p><p>He doesn't want to look at either of them.</p><p>Trying to cheer him up, Dot says heatedly, "If I ever see that Nicklewise again I'm kicking him in the A-double-S. And no that doesn't count as my swear word!"</p><p>Yakko barks out a weak laugh, cupping a hand over his eyes and shaking his head.</p><p>Wakko stands up, pulling at his elbow.</p><p>"Come on, let's go home now," he says, putting his hand in Yakko's again as his brother climbs to his feet, "We've got lots of candy to eat. Can we watch a movie before we go to bed?"</p><p>"Sure," Yakko says, taking Dot's hand, as well, and letting the two of them pull him along. He clears his throat, and sounds a little more like himself when he adds, "As long as it's not another Don Knotts movie. We've watched all of them a hundred times."</p><p>"They're <em> good, </em> though!"</p><p>"Yeah yeah yeah, give another actor a chance, would ya?"</p><p>"If other actors would get on Don Knott's level, I'd consider it."</p><p>Yakko laughs again, and this time that echoes back at them, ringing around the lot.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yes I'm bringing this up again, YES I'm still thinking about it! (yes i'm posting at 3 am leave me alone lmao)</p><p>Thank you guys so much for reading!! Sorry for the pain!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. hey, siri</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The best thing about being a cartoon is you don't have any bones to break!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your sibling whacks you with a mallet; you get hit by a bus, or fall down a set of stairs, or get tossed out a 15th story window, or have a piano or a safe or an anvil dropped on your head, and you can walk away without a scratch! If you do get a cast or a crutch or a bandage, it's a gag! It's to garner sympathy from the audience and for dramatic flair, and you throw it off - </span>
  <em>
    <span>no problem! </span>
  </em>
  <span>- the moment it's usefulness has ended!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So why is Yakko sitting on the sofa in the Warner Tower with his left foot propped up on a pillow, encased in a bulky-looking cast?</span>
</p><p><span>"That's a </span><em><span>great</span></em> <em><span>question</span></em><span>, Dot," Yakko says, every syllable absolutely soaked in sarcasm. He's laying with his arms folded, sulking and scowling at his little sister while she sits at the other end of the couch, deliberately not looking at him or his busted leg. "Why don't you tell the readers what happened?"</span></p><p>
  <span>"I don't want to bore them with the exposition," she says, examining her gloves.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko, who is draped over the back of the couch, suggests, "Did you try taking it off?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ah gee, Wakko, why didn't I think of that?" Yakko asks, throwing out his hands toward the cast.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do you want me to give it a try?" Wakko offers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Please! Be my guest! I would love nothing more than for you to put into effect a very obvious solution that I never even considered before this moment!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Impervious (or just oblivious) to the sarcasm, Wakko rubs his hands together and then grabs onto the cast. It encases Yakko's entire foot and half of his leg. It stands to reason that it will pull off just the same as a boot. Wakko puts his feet against the back of the sofa - puts his tongue between his teeth to concentrate - and </span>
  <em>
    <span>pulls.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Yakko has to grab onto the sofa to anchor himself as Wakko practically yanks him upside-down. The worst part is that there's lots of stretching and pulling and digging in to pull </span>
  <em>
    <span>harder.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>But the cast doesn't budge - and Yakko </span>
  <em>
    <span>yelps.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"YEOW!"</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Yeow!?"</span>
  </em>
  <span> Wakko and Dot chorus, looking at each other in alarm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko lets go and Yakko's casted foot drops back onto the plush pillow. Yakko, wincing, frazzled, continues clutching at the sofa with both hands, frowning at his heavily-burdened leg with a mix of annoyance and disbelief. When he notices his siblings looks of genuine concern, he immediately tries to laugh it off, "Heh. Did I say </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘yeow’?</span>
  </em>
  <span> I meant Uuuhh -" That hand rotates while his brain catches up with his mouth, "</span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Wow!’"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Very convincing," Dot says dryly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Thank you!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Obviously feeling guilty, Wakko leans down and pats Yakko's leg above the cast. Yakko - almost nervously - swats his hand away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It doesn't… </span>
  <em>
    <span>hurt,</span>
  </em>
  <span> does it?" Wakko asks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No! Psh. Of course it doesn't </span>
  <em>
    <span>hurt!"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Right," Dot says, arms folded, clearly not buying what he's selling, "Well, if it doesn't hurt, get up and walk around on it, then."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Uuuuuh…. No."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The blatant refusal speaks for itself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dot looks at Wakko and sighs, "Hey Siri: How long does a cast stay on?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko looks back at her in bewilderment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"My name's Wakko…" he says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes widen at the muffled </span>
  <em>
    <span>pu-plink</span>
  </em>
  <span> sound and he looks down at his stomach. A small rectangle of light shines through his shirt and a feminine, computerized voice can just barely be heard, saying, </span>
  <em>
    <span>"According to the NHS, </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Plaster casts are made up of a bandage and a hard covering, usually plaster of Paris.</span>
  </em>
  <span> ("Wakko!" Dot says exasperatedly, "Open your mouth, I can't hear what she's saying!" Wakko does, and the voice comes out much clearer.) </span>
  <em>
    <span>They allow </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>broken bones</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> in the arm or leg to heal by holding them in place, and usually need to stay on for </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>between 4 and 12 weeks</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Thank you," Dot says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko closes his mouth and touches his stomach, looking perturbed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yakko also doesn't look happy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"</span>
  <em>
    <span>4 to 12 </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>weeks</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>?!"</span>
  </em>
  <span> he bursts out, "How do people live like this!?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Don't </span>
  <em>
    <span>worry!" </span>
  </em>
  <span>Dot says, in an overly cheerful, dismissive voice that makes Yakko </span>
  <em>
    <span>absolutely</span>
  </em>
  <span> want to worry, "It won't be so bad! Just let the hurt/comfort trope play out, big brother! Embrace it!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I will not!" Yakko says indignantly, "Wakko, try the saw!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Okay!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko whips out a huge two-handed saw typically used for felling trees.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The cast, however, proves more resilient than anticipated - it breaks the teeth off the saw, and the rough vibration as the saw rakes against the plaster is something that Yakko feels in his </span>
  <em>
    <span>teeth</span>
  </em>
  <span> and in the bones he doesn’t have. Wakko tries a crowbar next, but the crowbar bends in half. He tries a jackhammer, but all it does is shake the whole water tower like a soda can and make everybody nauseous. He wedges a lit stick of dynamite into the cast - but Yakko panics as the fuse rapidly gets eaten up and hurls the dynamite across the room, instead, where it obliterates the jungle gym.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Poking their heads up from behind the couch, Wakko and Dot survey the destruction with identical winces and then look at their brother.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Alright," Yakko says, folding his arms, "So I'm keeping the cast. This is fine."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He spins around on the sofa and puts both feet in the floor as if he's going to stand up, his hands gripping the edge of the seat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Need some help?" Dot asks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I am perfectly capable of walking to the kitchen by myself," Yakko asserts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"If you say so," Dot says. She props her chin in her hand and waits, but Yakko doesn't move. She waves her other hand at him. "Go on. I thought you were going to the kitchen?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, don't pressure me!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yakko leverages himself up onto his good foot, keeping the cast off the floor, and he wobbles for a moment to gain his balance. The distance from the sofa to the kitchen suddenly looks pretty vast, but Yakko's not a quitter! No stupid prop is going to get the best of him! He takes a steadying breath and swings the cast forward, easing his weight down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh boy howdy that was a bad idea!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pain splinters up his leg, and it feels </span>
  <em>
    <span>bad</span>
  </em>
  <span> and </span>
  <em>
    <span>weird</span>
  </em>
  <span> and </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong</span>
  </em>
  <span> and Yakko stifles a noise, quickly moving to his good foot. The relief is instant, but the pain lingers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hovers there, arms windmilling, catching his breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do you need some help, Yakko?" Dot asks again.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"NopeI'mfine!"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Are you sure?"</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"YepI'mgreat!"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Steeling himself, Yakko takes another step.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko stops biting the couch and says, "He's gonna - !"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The second his weight hits the cast, his leg buckles, and Yakko drops face-first to the floor. Wakko and Dot shout his name and run to pick him up, asking if he's alright, carefully moving him back to the sofa. Once they put him down, Yakko reaches into the floor to pick up another pillow and holds it over his face with both hands as he lays back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn't utter a sound.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dot looks at Wakko, who shakes his head solemnly; then she smiles and reaches down to give Yakko a reassuring pat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We'll take care of you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Behind the security of the pillow, Yakko mumbles dramatically, "That's what I'm afraid of…. What does this entail??!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well it </span>
  <em>
    <span>would</span>
  </em>
  <span> entail a charming little brother-sister sing-along," Dot says, "But after having to endure the embarrassment of googingly </span>
  <em>
    <span>'what rhymes with comfort'</span>
  </em>
  <span> the author decided songs are for the birds and to just cut to the chase."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yakko sighs with relief, still muffled by the pillow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It only lasts as long as it takes for his siblings to begin bombarding him with things to comfort him during his unprecedented time of suffering.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko extends to sofa into a bed with the lever on the side and then wrestles Yakko out of his slacks around the cast and into a comfy sleep-shirt. Dot comes running with more pillows than Yakko actually needs and props them all around him on the sofa, making sure the cast is elevated. Wakko throws a bunch of blankets, unearthed from who-knows-where, over the top of him. Dot sets a fan up on a stool nearby so he doesn't overheat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko hands him a teddy bear to snuggle with.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dot brings him a pile of his favorite books.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yakko's quiet protests and half-hearted complaints get dismissed, even when Wakko digs around in the kitchen for ten minutes and then brings Yakko half a dozen comfort foods at once - mac and cheese, potato soup, a bag of marshmallows, a grilled cheese sandwich, cookies, and even what's left of the box of his hipster donuts. Dot brings him a cup of warm tea that she says is supposed to help with pain and inflammation (which he stubbornly does not have) and a lavender scented diffuser.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Apparently satisfied with their work, Wakko and Dot pile onto the sofa with Yakko and his ridiculous hoard of comfort-items, and Wakko turns on the tv, flipping through the options on a bootleg streaming service until he finds a Bill Nye science documentary.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dot fusses with the blankets.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"There, see?" she says, "Not so bad. Do you need anything else?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Reclined against the pillows between his siblings, Yakko says, "I think I'm good," and resignedly stuffs another handful of marshmallows into his mouth. He chews and swallows. He sits there for a minute. "You guys didn't have to do all this."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Of course we did! You're our big brother!" Dot insists. She snatches the bag of marshmallows from him and leans back into the other pillows. "Just don't get used to it. Does your leg hurt? You should drink that tea."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yakko </span>
  <em>
    <span>uuuhs</span>
  </em>
  <span> while he thinks about it, closes his eyes and doesn't answer. Dot punches him to make him stop making the noise and Yakko chuckles. He leans forward to grab the cup of tea Dot brought him and sips it as a peace offering.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Are you gonna eat this mac and cheese?" Wakko asks, already retrieving the bowl from the depths of the blankets around them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You can have it," Yakko says, reaching over to ruffle Wakko's hat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The tea's not bad, actually.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yakko falls asleep abruptly halfway through the documentary, mumbling the nations of the world in between breaths, his good foot bouncing to the rhythm under the blankets and shaking the couch. Wakko, munching his way through Yakko's comfort foods, notices and waves a hand in front of Yakko's face, tugs at his ear when this yields no response.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dot reaches across Yakko to swat at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, knock it off!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Man, he must've been </span>
  <em>
    <span>tired,"</span>
  </em>
  <span> Wakko says, surprised but still working his way through the donuts, "He's not usually a heavy sleeper."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well," Dot says, "He had some help. That tea isn't just for pain, it's also for sleeping."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That explains it!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He needs to rest," Dot says defensively.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, especially after you missed your mark and made him trip over that ladder and fall off the set this morning," Wakko says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dot snatches the last donut right out of Wakko's hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yakko snores in between them obliviously while they snarl and fight over it, his cast protected by the layer of blankets.</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>in this house we stan Yakko taking a fucking NAP</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. out with the old - in with the new</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It's nice to know that some things haven't changed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Convenience stores still play the exact same monotonous pop/elevator music that they did 22 years ago, and those songs still embed themselves very firmly into your head before you even realize it's even happening. So Yakko is getting double-whammied by the same song he's heard five times since they've been in the store coming in over the speakers, and out of Wakko's mouth as he bounces along beside the buggy, tossing things into it willy-nilly as they catch his eye.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Granted, Wakko is humming and not singing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Still.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yakko lets go of the buggy and puts a hand on Wakko's head, firmly, smashing his hat down over his face. Wakko continues bouncing under his hand, turns his head blindly in Yakko's direction, but he quiets.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, look what I found!" Dot announces. She slides around the corner from the next aisle holding a bright, shiny pink toaster with chrome edges over her head. She smushes it against her cheek and the toaster reflects as perfectly as a mirror. "Isn't it cute!?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oooh, is there a blue one?" Wakko asks, bouncing harder than ever.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He bounces right out from under Yakko's hand and runs with Dot back around the corner, with Yakko pushing the buggy after them. There is an assortment of different-colored toasters lining the shelf, and both of the little Warners are unreasonably excited about them. This is the bun situation all over again; they run to their big brother with their respective toasters, bouncing and wagging their tails and pleading to have one.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sibs, we have a toaster at home," Yakko reminds them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"But it's dented!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And it burns my toast!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And it’s not cute!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And it scares me whenever it pops up if I'm standing there watching it!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't know how to explain to you that a brand new toaster is going to do that exact same thing, Wak," Yakko says with a smile, "And uuuhh I don't think we need more than one toaster when ours is working just fine."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dot and Wakko both amp up the begging then, jumping and shaking their toasters as they passionately advocate for them. During the commotion, Yakko's gaze wanders toward the other toasters on the shelf, where one of them instantly catches his eye, and gasps, </span>
  <em>
    <span>"Lavender?!"</span>
  </em>
  <span> He wilts on the spot and then springs back upright, leaping toward the shelf. "Maybe you guys have a point - out with the old, in with the new!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He snatches down the pale purple toaster, only to fumble it and clutch it close to his chest when Dot smacks his hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Now, wait a minute! I want the pink one!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> want the </span>
  <em>
    <span>blue</span>
  </em>
  <span> one!" Wakko chimes in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Okay, but hear me out, sibs," Yakko says, tucking the toaster under his arm for safety. He presses his hands flat together and gestures with them. "Purple is right in the middle of the spectrum between </span>
  <em>
    <span>blue</span>
  </em>
  <span> and </span>
  <em>
    <span>pink.</span>
  </em>
  <span> So if we get the purple one, then </span>
  <em>
    <span>technically </span>
  </em>
  <span>everybody's getting the one that they want!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No," Wakko argues, "We're only getting the one that </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> want!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Glad you see it my way, little brother!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yakko carries the lavender toaster to the buggy and Wakko frowns, his mouth puckering into a pout, trying to work out where he went wrong.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dot smacks him, knocking his hat askew.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Why don't we just </span>
  <em>
    <span>each</span>
  </em>
  <span> get one?" she asks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It's a reasonable option, and yet Yakko quickly shoots it down.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Because," </span>
  </em>
  <span>he says, rolling his eyes, "If we take three toasters home when we already have one, we'll have </span>
  <em>
    <span>four toasters</span>
  </em>
  <span> and once the novelty wears off and we're no longer interested in them, we won't pay any attention to which toaster we're using until something </span>
  <em>
    <span>happens</span>
  </em>
  <span> to one of them. Then it's just going to be an endless tirade of </span>
  <em>
    <span>'Who put cream cheese in </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>my</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> toaster?' 'Who threw </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>my</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> toaster at Ralph's head?' 'Who took a bite out of </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>my</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> toaster?' 'Who bedazzled </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>my</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> toaster?'</span>
  </em>
  <span> And so on!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It will just start arguments," Yakko finishes, "So we're only getting one!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dot continues to hold her toaster defiantly. "Well, we're already arguing, Mr. Smarty-pants, so you better come up with something more convincing!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Fine," Yakko says. He clears his throat, leans in, and says smugly, </span>
  <em>
    <span>"Because I Said So."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko and Dot both gasp, looking at him with outrage.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey that's not fair!" Wakko says, pointing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, what gives you the right to use </span>
  <em>
    <span>Because I Said So!</span>
  </em>
  <span> You're not the Dad!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, I'm the Step-</span>
  <em>
    <span>Up</span>
  </em>
  <span> Dad!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That doesn't count!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes it does!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No it doesn't!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes it </span>
  <em>
    <span>does</span>
  </em>
  <span> count! Because </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> wear the </span>
  <em>
    <span>pants</span>
  </em>
  <span> in this family," Yakko says proudly, tugging at the sides of his smoky topaz (NOT tan) slacks. Wakko and Dot look at each other, irritated and unimpressed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>"And </span>
  </em>
  <span>because </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> have the debit card!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He holds it up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko and Dot look at it in surprise - and then grin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yakko realizes his mistake - "Uh-oh." - and bolts with the lavender toaster under his arm, screaming at the top of his voice, while his siblings thunder after him with war-cries of their own, brandishing their toasters.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Needless to say, after a fifteen minute rampage, a busted water pipe, several uprooted displays and endcaps, an angry old lady with a cane, and a toppled pyramid of canned goods; they are asked to leave the store (which is the polite way of saying </span>
  <em>
    <span>thrown out).</span>
  </em>
  <span> They lose the debit card. So of course, they go back in to liberate their toasters and their groceries.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they arrive back at the lot, the sun is setting and Ralph is waiting for them at the gate with a frown on his face, his foot tapping the pavement. Wakko and Dot are riding in the buggy among their illegally-procured items, while Yakko puts his foot down from the lower bar to give them a push every now and then. He coasts them right into the lowered boom barrier beside Ralph, and the buggy jolts to a stop.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, you guys know ya aren't supposed to leave the lot without permission," Ralph tells them sternly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We needed provisions," Yakko says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And snacks," Wakko says.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Uuuhh</span>
  <span>hhh</span>
  <span> also! If the cops come by, you haven't seen us! In fact, you don't even know us!" Yakko darts past Ralph while the man is processing this, hits the lever to raise the barrier, and darts back to the buggy to push it through - hastily - as a siren sounds in the distance. The rattling of the buggy drowns it out. "Goodnight, Ralph!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, wait a minute…!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I hear ya - here's a little incentive, Ralphy," Dot says with a wink.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She tosses him a yellow chrome toaster.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn't catch it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The Warners wince at the harsh, metallic </span>
  <em>
    <span>bang</span>
  </em>
  <span> and move along as the security guard drops to the ground. They abandon the buggy at the base of the tower along with several others, and they make lots and lots (and lots) of toast. For about three days.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then they lose track of every one of the toasters.</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I have been waiting PATIENTLY for an 'i wear the pants in this family' opportunity! Thank you guys so much for reading, and for all the enthusiastic comments! I'm very glad that you're enjoying these dumb little ficlets; 2020 has been a rollercoaster of a year, so I'm excited to spark some joy!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. anticlimactic</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Continuation of ch. 5 …  (AKA, another Christmas one!)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After trimming the tree with all the baubles, lights, and tinsel that they could find (via scavenging other decorations across the Lot), the Warners plop themselves down in front of the newly mantled fireplace to write their letters to Santa. Wakko is still not the best speller, so Yakko proof-reads them before they go in their envelopes. Dot personalizes them all with stickers and glitter. Wakko licks the sticky part to seal them.</p><p>And Yakko writes the address, himself, because his handwriting is the most legible.</p><p>Then, letters in hand, they set out for the office building.</p><p>The old office building had a side-entrance that was never locked, which led directly into the mail-room where all the open cubbies with names and office numbers lined the walls. There used to be a little old lady that sat at the desk and sorted, then delivered, the mail after the mail truck came by in the mornings. She always tried to give them cherry-flavored candies.</p><p>The new office building is, well. New.</p><p>Yakko, Wakko, and Dot circle the perimeter and only find fire exits.</p><p>So they head into the lobby, where the receptionist, who doesn't even look up from the computer, tells them in a bland voice that,</p><p>"That isn't accessible to the public."</p><p>"Uuuhhh, we're not the public," Yakko says, trying to stay amicable while both of his little siblings scowl at the woman. He brandishes the three letters to Santa at her, standing on his toes, and she still clacks away at the keyboard without shooting him a glance. "We have a mailbox. We just don't know where it is."</p><p>She heaves the longest sigh Yakko has ever heard and then tears her gaze away from the screen to look at them.</p><p>"And you <em> are?" </em> she asks after a moment.</p><p>"We're the Warner Brothers!" Yakko says indignantly.</p><p>"And the Warner Sister!" Dot adds heatedly.</p><p>"Ah," she says.</p><p>Frowning, Wakko pulls out a mallet, but Yakko waves him down.</p><p>"So where's the mail-room?" he asks.</p><p>"Please hold," the receptionist says, as if they're on call. She picks up the phone and punches a number. "Ms. Norita? The… Warners… are asking where the mail-room is. Hm. Hm. ...Hm. Yes, ma'am."</p><p>She hangs up the phone.</p><p>"We don't have a mail-room," she says, once again hammering away at the computer keys without so much as a glance their way.</p><p>"Yeah, sure, I believe that," Yakko says, stepping away from the counter and looking at Wakko, who hefts the hammer and brings it down on the desk, smashing the computer and keyboard and all, causing the receptionist to shriek and fall out of her chair.</p><p>She bellows for security, but the Warner’s have already bolted toward the elevators.</p><p>Yakko takes a moment to look over the directory on the wall, but sees no mail room on the roster, on any floor, so he says, “I guess we’ll split up, sibs.” They go their separate ways to search - occasionally dodging Ralph - the trouble comes when they comb the building top to bottom and still can’t find the mail room. They reconvened in the elevator lobby.</p><p>"No mail room," Dot says disbelievingly.</p><p>"No cherry candies," Wakko says, disappointed.</p><p>"Looks like we'll have to go to the Big Boss Lady and ask her, ourselves, then," Yakko says, pressing the call button for the elevator six times in a row. He looks slyly at his siblings. "Remind her of the <em> Claus </em> in our contracts."</p><p>Wakko and Dot narrow their eyes at him.</p><p>Dot points. "You're on thin ice, mister."</p><p>Yakko grins unrepentantly as the elevator slides open.</p><p>That's when Ralph, wheezing and stumbling, catches up to them.</p><p>Since it’s the holidays, Yakko holds the elevator for him, and Ralph collapses inside, causing the whole thing to shudder and lurch.</p><p>“Happy Holidays, Ralph!” Yakko says cheerily.</p><p>“Yous guys… ain’t s’possed ta be… running amuck in here…!” he gasps, raising a hand with authority though he is face-down on the floor.</p><p>“We’re not ‘running amuck’ we’re looking for the mail room! We’ve got Santa letters to send.”</p><p>“Yeah, that nice lady at the desk wouldn’t tell us where it is,” Dot says with a frown, planting her hands on her hips, "Where's all the mail going?"</p><p>Ralph's answer is some out-of-breath wheezing and indescribable gasping. The Warners glance at each other and shrug, and climb out of the elevator over Ralph when the door opens on the top floor. Norita is pacing around her office talking into her headset when they barge in unannounced - she ends the call with an annoyed look on her face, hands planted on her hips. She turns this look on Ralph when he gallops in behind them.</p><p>"Ralph, what is the point of calling security if you're just going to let them waltz into my office?" she asks.</p><p>"We didn't waltz?" Dot says.</p><p>"Would ya like us to?" Yakko asks.</p><p>"No." Norita holds up a hand. "What do you want?"</p><p>"We want to know where our mailbox is!"</p><p>"Your <em> mailbox," </em> she repeats.</p><p><em> "Our mailbox," </em> the Warners chorus. Yakko adds, "We've got letters to Santa."</p><p>He shows them to her. Norita takes one from his hand as if she expects it to grow teeth and bite her, but examines it nonetheless. She starts to chuckle. And then she bursts out laughing, alarming the Warners enough that they step back from her; Dot grips the side of Yakko's pantleg and Wakko steps behind him.</p><p>"Oh this is too much," Norita laughs, recovering some of her composure. She gives the letter back and Yakko snatches it out of her hand. "You don't <em> have </em> a mailbox anymore. It's <em> 2020. </em> Mail is <em> digital </em> now."</p><p>"Ah nuts," Yakko snaps, "I didn't even think about that!"</p><p>"What are we supposed to do then, send Santa an email?" Dot asks, wrinkling her nose at the idea alone, "That's so impersonal! What about the glitter and the stickers?"</p><p>"Yeah, and I don't think all the charming backwards letters and whimsical misspellings are gonna translate well in an email," Yakko says with a pointed look at Wakko, who scuffs his foot on the floor and looks disappointed.</p><p>Ralph pipes up then, "Yous can still send 'em down at the post office."</p><p>The Warners round on him at once.</p><p>"Really?! That's great!"</p><p>"Wow, thanks for volunteering to take us, Ralphy!"</p><p>Ralph looks at them in bewilderment as they bounce and corral him out of the office. Norita bats a hand at them impatiently, already returning to her call.</p><p>--</p><p>"I don't think I'm supposed to leave the premises while I'm on the clock," Ralph says with growing certainty. Despite this, he continues puttering them along the street in one of those little security guard carts with Yakko, Wakko, and Dot vaulting excitedly back and forth between the front seat and the back seat.</p><p>Yakko pats him on the shoulder. "Think about it this way, Ralph: you're escorting us home! We're just taking the long way."</p><p>"Uhhh….."</p><p>"On second thought, don't think about it too hard. Just drive!"</p><p>So he drives, all the way to the post office, where he pulls right up to one of the blue out-bound mail bins on the sidewalk. Yakko stands on his toes and hauls the door down with both hands, while Wakko and Dot lean over his shoulders to drop their letters inside. He lets go, and the door slides closed with a solid <em> ka-thunk. </em></p><p>They climb back into the cart.</p><p>"That was anticlimactic," Wakko says.</p><p>"They can't all be bangers, Wak," Yakko says, folding his arms, "It's the holidays, be grateful that there was an update!"</p><p>"Can we get milkshakes on the way home?" Dot asks sweetly, batting her eyelashes.</p><p>The three of them start bouncing, shaking the whole cart so the wheels squeak and the cab lurches as Ralph eases onto the gas, chanting right along with them: <em> "McDonalds! McDonalds! McDonalds!" </em></p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So I googled "santa's address" while writing this because i didn't know if that was actually a thing (it is, for the curious). BUT ALSO I am thirty goddamn years old and I had NO IDEA that (in the US at least), you can put a letter for Santa in the mail and that the USPS sorts those letters out and posts them on their website - https://www.uspsoperationsanta.com/ - where charities, communities, and individual people can "adopt" these letters to send kids gifts in Santa's place!</p><p>I hate that I didn't know this was a thing sooner, I will absolutely be doing this every year going forward and I just wanted to share the info even though it's too late too participate now!</p><p>2020 has been tough but I hope the holidays are treatin' y'all right~</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. brightening the night</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Continuation of ch. 9 ....</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>"I missed the sound of traffic," Wakko says wistfully.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The sun has been down for a while and the movie lot is dark except for the few pale yellow lights above the studio doors, which illuminate the flurries of snow as they drift down, settling with a soft hushing noise. It doesn't really stick to much. It's too warm and too wet in a lot of places, but the whiteness clings to stationary car hoods and the studio roofs, and shaded places that the sun didn't touch a lot.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The Warner siblings are sitting out on the water tower balcony with blankets and scarves and mugs of hot chocolate to keep them warm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There is, indeed, the sound of traffic moving in the distance, the city lights glowing on the snowfall, brightening the night, and it is oddly calming.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah," Dot sighs in agreement.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She puts her nose into her steamy mug to warm it up, her eyes closed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Can't believe it actually snowed on Christmas Day," Yakko says, "What are the odds, huh? Talk about poetic cinema."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko and Dot hum and chuckle and snuggle in a little closer. They sip their hot chocolate. They point out moving pictures that form in the falling snow. They sing carols - sometimes softly, sometimes at the top of their voices - sometimes with the proper lyrics and sometimes made up on the fly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yakko swings his feet in the open air, stuck out between the narrow balcony rails, his body rocking with the rhythm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dot hums in time with him, drawing cute faces in the snow that has settled on the balcony.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wakko sticks out his tongue to catch the snowflakes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And the snow falls down,</span>
</p><p>
  <span>and down,</span>
</p><p>
  <span>and down.</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Lemme just come in under the wire with something SOFT! Goodnight everybody &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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